Dear Adi,
It was my birthday yesterday. Mamba and Deta planned a beautiful surprise for me. There was cake, lots of thoughtful gifts, and so much love. My friends also gave me a treat — they had celebrated my birthday in advance and we spent some lovely time together.
So many people called and messaged to wish me. It felt special.
You know, I have always been excited about birthdays since childhood. In those days, people were not too much into celebrating birthdays, but my Ma and Papa would always do something special for me. I was always most excited about the gifts 😊. My Ma would prepare Payax (kheer) to mark the day. And I would feel a little sad when the day was all over.
Birthdays have always been special to me.
But even this year, I hadn’t thought of doing anything. The fact that I was celebrating another birthday while you couldn’t made me feel guilty.
Yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking about my last birthday. It had been just 11–12 days since you left us. The loss was too fresh. It was one of those times when I wasn’t excited at all. I just wanted to curl up in bed and cry.
But your thoughtful Mamba and Deta didn’t let that happen. They literally dragged me out of the house to a nearby mall for the day. They decided I shouldn’t be home crying on my birthday. They said you wouldn’t like it if I stayed that way.
So I went. I went for Mamba, for Deta… and for you.
But I missed you so much. Every single moment.
For the last many years, you had always been there — right next to me on every trip, every outing. That was the first time you weren’t there. And there was nothing I could do about it except accept that reality.
From that birthday to this one, it has been a very long year. A year of learning to live without you. A year of accepting that you won’t celebrate any more birthdays with us. A year of knowing I won’t be baking another cake for you.
This year has felt endless.
Like always, I want you to know I miss you with every fibre of my being. Even though I am surrounded by beautiful souls who love me and care for me, I still miss you. And in every birthday from now on, you will always be there — even if only in my thoughts.
That is my truth.
A truth I will carry till my last breath.
Love you, Jaan.
Mamma
