Dear Adi,
This 18th of Feb, it’s going to be a year since you left us. I thought by now it might ache a little less. That hasn’t happened.
I am hurting. Every moment, every day.
Yesterday, I woke up hearing you say “P.” How I used to ask you, “Does Adi want to pee?” and you’d say “P.” I heard you say that. And then I woke up to the realization that I won’t hear you say that ever again.
A few days back, I read something that said: “Children stay in the mother’s body forever — and this is not a metaphor, but a biological fact.”
It felt so deep and beautiful at the same time. I kept thinking about it the whole day. Maybe that’s one of the reasons you’re constantly with me. Maybe that’s why you’re in my thoughts every waking moment… and then again in my dreams.
I miss you so much. There are moments every day when I feel I can’t live without you anymore. Maybe I sound ungrateful for everything I still have. I have Deta, Mamba, a lovely home, and so many things one could ask for. But none of that fills the void your loss has created.
I want to see you, meet you, hug you, hear your voice again. Tell me, Adi — how do I do that?
I don’t want to speak to anyone, meet anyone, or do anything. I just want to cry my heart out. Sometimes I feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me mentally. I go about fulfilling my duties as a mother, a wife, a daughter-in-law — as if everything is fine. But my heart knows how much it misses you.
Never in my dreams did I think I’d have to face something like this in my life. I’ve already been through so much. For once, I am completely clueless. For once, I don’t want to be strong. I want to break down, unravel, and lose myself completely.
What should I do, Adi? Tell me… guide me.
I don’t have answers yet, Adi. I’m just trying to breathe through each day. Right now, all I know is that I miss you more than I can hold. If you can hear me, stay close. I need you.
I don’t know how to do this life without you, but I know this — my love for you hasn’t changed. It never will.
Love you so much, baby.
Your Mamma
