The tears didn\u2019t stop. Why me? Why me? Why me? What wrong had I done to deserve this?
Why did you give me a baby after so many years, only to place so many conditions on him?
I didn\u2019t want to do this anymore\u2026 These thoughts kept running through my head for days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
They say the grief has five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I think I was going through three of them – denial, anger and depression at the same time. I felt like I had hit the lowest point in my life. Even now, when I think back, I can feel the countless emotions I was battling then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In any free moment, I would curl up on my bed and cry. I had stopped talking to everyone around me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was angry at Sid for not being there\u2014though I knew it wasn\u2019t practically possible, and I wasn\u2019t being fair. In the middle of all this chaos, I didn\u2019t stop caring for Adi. He was bathed, clothed, fed\u2014food and medications always on time. His initial seizures had stopped, and I thought maybe the medicines were working. I kept telling myself that we just had to manage it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But one night, he suddenly had a completely different kind of seizure. My heart skipped a beat. Again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I knew I had to see a pediatric neurologist urgently. With great difficulty, I managed to get an appointment with a well-known and experienced doctor. I couldn\u2019t find the clinic at first, and by the time I reached with Adi, the doctor was about to leave. I literally begged him to just take a look at my baby. He got an EEG done immediately and prescribed one more medication. Looking at my anxious and exhausted face, he asked, \u201cHave you been checking Google?\u201d I nodded YES. He said, \u201cThen stop. Stop doing it. Stop torturing yourself<\/em>.<\/strong>\u201d That was one advice I have held on to since that day.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n He also referred me to a therapist who specialized in early intervention for kids. I came back home that day with a little bit of hope. Maybe\u2026 just maybe, we\u2019ll get through this.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The medication seemed to work\u2014it helped with the seizures. And that\u2019s when I realized\u2014I had to pick myself up. I had to accept the blow and move forward. Life doesn\u2019t stop. As much as I didn\u2019t want to hear it, it had to go on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Till then, I had no idea what therapy even meant or how it worked. But I tried to mentally prepare myself. My life now revolved around giving him the best possible care\u2014through medication and therapy. Though I was doing everything I possibly could for Adi, I was drained\u2014physically and mentally. I had no choice. I had to keep going. For him.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The tears didn\u2019t stop. Why me? Why me? Why me? What wrong had I done to deserve this?Why did you give me a baby after so many years, only to place so many conditions on him?I didn\u2019t want to do this anymore\u2026 These thoughts kept running through my head for days. They say the grief …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[9,8,7],"class_list":["post-69","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-my-journey","tag-grief-journaling","tag-healing-journey","tag-memories","entry entry-center"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=69"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":70,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions\/70"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=69"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=69"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dearadi.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=69"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
But as always, I felt like I had to carry this weight alone.Even though all of us\u2014Sid, Mugddha, and I\u2014were deeply affected by this new reality, it felt like this was my<\/em> problem, and I had to suffer alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Thankfully, he agreed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was Adi\u2019s primary caregiver. Giving him his meds on time, like a nurse in a hospital, became second nature to me. I took him for therapy sessions\u2014physiotherapy, OT\u2014and slowly, I started seeing some improvements.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the fear never really went away. I had stopped sleeping, out of constant worry.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Completely worn out. <\/p>\n\n\n\n